I moved to a new house. A good building in a nice area. Location, location, location, the agent explained to me.

All was well except for one thing – my new neighbour. He saved all DIY for Sunday morning. He listened to the same ABBA record all the time. When he replaced the fence, he annexed my garden by a few inches.

The last straw came when he cut down my hedge, which gave me privacy and prevented me seeing him lying topless on his manicured lawn, like a giant deflating football.

That night I leapt over the fence and planted an acorn in the ground next to his conservatory. An oak tree will grow, severely undermining its foundations. It will take about twenty or thirty years for my plan to come to fruition.

But then revenge is a dish best served cold.


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