In a blue Transit van, two rows near the back, Chiltern FM on, sweets and fizzy drinks being passed around, gestures out the windows…
MARK – Do you ever get prickly heat?
JAMES – Fuck off!
JAMES – What’s prickly heat?
MARK – I dunno.
MARK – Here – stick this in his bag.
[JAMES PUTS APPLE PAD SCOURER IN BUSH’S BAG]
BUSH – What you doin’?
MARK & JAMES [IMITATES] – What yooo doooin?
JAMES [TO BUSH] – Saw you at PoundStretcher at the weekend – smoking a fag like a right gyppo!
[PINCHES FINGERS TOGETHER AND PUCKERS AND SUCKS HARD ON INVISIBLE CIG, HEAD TO ONE SIDE]
BUSH – Yeah, so?
MARK – So you shop there everyday?
BUSH – I wasn’t shopping there!
JAMES – Because he can’t afford it!
ROBERT – They’ll need to open one called PennyStretcher for The Bush!
JAMES – And he still won’t be able to shop there!
[BUSH TURNS BACK, JAMES STUFFS MORE APPLE PADS IN HIS BAG]
BUSH – What you doin’?
[JAMES PUNCHES HIM ON SHOULDER]
JAMES – Punching you.
In the hut, up a rickety ladder is a dimly lit store full of canvas tents and dusty camping equipment, so messy you cannot see the floor.
[TOM & CARL GO UP THE LADDER – IT WOBBLES SIDE TO SIDE, HELD FROM FALLING BY A MASS OF DIFFERENT-COLOURED ROPES, GREASY HAND PRINTS ALL OVER THE WALL NEXT TO IT]
CARL – Whoa! This is a bit –
TOM – I’ll hold it
[TOM STEADIES THE TOP RUNG]
CARL – Thanks.
[THEY BOTH STAND ON LANDING, AND GO INSIDE STORES]
TOM – This is the stores the best place in the hut. We’ve got everything here – old OHPs, actually, I think that’s George’s photo developer, gas lamps –
[TOM GESTURES AT THESE WITH A WOODEN POLE HE PICKED UP – IT SMASHES THE GLASS CABINET WINDOW]
TOM – Oh fuck! Cheap cupboards.
CARL – Shit! What if –
TOM – No one comes up here – here –
[TOM BRUSHES GLASS UNDER THE CABINET, USING POLE AS A BROOM. SMASHES A LAMP]
[TOM LOOKS UP TO CARL, SMILES]
TOM – You’ll be alright here. I know! You can be the Quartermaster! Well, actually, I’m the Quartermaster, but you could be the Assistant!
CARL – What’s that?
TOM – Oh, just someone who’s job it is to doss in the stores!
CARL – Sounds good! What’s that?
[POINTS AT OLD ESSO BLUE PARRAFIN CAN]
TOM – Oh that’s just our stock of Thirties oil. It has been on every camp, and is still full. Since the Thirties.
CARL – Is camp good?
TOM – Its alright – I mean, they try to make you do loads of shit activities, like going through a tunnel full of mud, singing shit songs, drinking George’s horrible soup, but you can get away and have some proper fun. The Providore is good, and any woods, just generally wandering around, and the fires and cooking are alright… Ah! here is an all important item that they never forget to bring on camp!
[TOM POINTS AT A CARDBOARD BOX WITH “ED’S CUPS” WRITTEN ON IT]
TOM [FAUX SERIOUS] – These are very, very important. And valuable. They’ve been handed down through generations. “Ed’s Tea” is an important ceremony at camp, and he can’t do it without all these cups for everyone.
[TOM PICKS UP AN AXE FROM THE CRATE – SMASHES IT INTO THE BOX]
CARL – OH SHIT!
TOM – What?! I’d say he’d love a nice cuppa from a smashed cup. “Non-smashed cups are for sissies.” That’s what he’d say.
CARL – OK then – give me the axe.
[TOM HANDS CARL A HAMMER]
[CARL PLUNGES THE HAMMER INTO THE BOX, IT GETS STUCK AND RIPS THE BOX A BIT. HE LETS GO. TOM WHACKS THE AXE IN NEXT TO IT, THEN STICKS THE POLE IN. CARL TEARS THE HAMMER BACK, THEN SMASHES IT IN REPEATEDLY.]
[LAUGHTER FROM CARL & TOM]
ED – Alright Steve! I’m just here to collect me cups!
STEVE – Alright Ed! They’re where you left them!
[LADDER STARTS TO GYRATE WILDLY]
ED [QUIETLY TO SELF, COMING UP] – Best place for ‘em, the hut – a great way to store my favourite…
CARL – Oh no! What’ll we do?
[TOM TURNS BOX AROUND, ONLY TO SEE MORE AXE MARKS IN THE OTHER SIDE. QUICKLY TURNS IT TO ANOTHER SIDE, BROKEN BITS POURING OUT]
[TOM & CARL STAND IN FRONT OF BOX.]
TOM – So, that’s the stores – you’ll – ah! hello Ed!
ED – Hello! Just here to – who’s this?
TOM – This is Carl – this is his first night.
ED – Aye – good to have you on board son. Ah! Here they are!
[ED PICKS UP A BOX FROM NEXT TO THE AXES, OPENS IT – IT HAS CRYSTAL PUNCHBOWLS IN IT]
ED – Knew these would be safe here.
[THERE’S A HUGE HOLE IN THE BOX, AS ED CARRIES IT AWAY: “ED’S P—-H BOWLS”]
LOCKED IN TOILET
TOM – Apart from Ed, there are a few people you need to avoid. The Bush for one…
CARL – What’s that?
TOM – Oh, just this gyppo kid. We have an operation – Operation Codename: Bully The Bush ‘Till He Leaves Campaign, and its in full swing –
[TRIPS RUNNING KID]
BUSH – What are you doooin?
TOM – But mostly you just need to avoid Subs Man Stewart.
CARL – Who’s he?
TOM – This old guy who comes round to collect subs now and then.
CARL – What, another one?
TOM – What do you mean?
CARL – Another old guy who stores cups here?
TOM – What? No! [LAUGHS] SUBS, not cups. Subs is what you have to pay to come here!
CARL – Oh.
TOM – Yeah, five pounds.
CARL – I don’t have any money!
TOM – Don’t worry, he probab – shit – he’s coming!
CARL – Oh no!
TOM – Hide in the toilets!
[CARL RUNS INTO THE TOILET. TOM PUTS A BROOMHANDLE THROUGH THE DOORHANDLE, AND BEHIND A CUPBOARD, LOCKING CARL IN]
TOM BECKONS THE REST OF THE SCOUTS AROUND, POINTS AT THE DOOR]
TOM [QUIETLY] – Its the new guy! He’s locked in! Don’t let him out!
[THE DOOR ATTEMPTS TO OPEN. IT MOVES OPEN AGAIN. THE BROOM HOLDS FAST.]
[LAUGHTER FROM GATHERED SCOUTS]
[THE DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN, THE BROOMHANDLE PUSHES THE CUPBOARD FORWARD – ITS DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL HUNDREDS OF HALOGEN BULBS ON THE TOP SHELF – THEY FLY ONTO THE FLOOR AND SMASH ACROSS THE WHOLE HUT AS THE CUPBOARD LEANS FORWARD AND TOPPLES, THEN SMASHING ANY INTACT BULBS ON THE FLOOR.]
[CARL IS LEFT STANDING THERE, SHOCKED. THE CROWD LOOK UP TO HIM – RESPECT]
TOM – I think that’ll be more that £5.
STEVE – Alright lads, gather round – ooh! not to close Carl!
STEVE – I’ve invented a new game for you, thought it up myself, Its called “Commandos” and you have to get into two teams, so all of you, one side, all of you, the other.
[TOM SLIPS ACROSS DIVIDE TO JOIN CARL’S SIDE]
STEVE – Now, first part of the game is to get as many of these items into your corner as possible.
[STEVE MOVES TO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND EMPTIES A BOX OF ASSORTED ITEMS ONTO THE FLOOR. HE BRUSHES A FEW BITS OF BULB GLASS AWAY WITH HIS FOOT, AND STEPS ON A DRAWING PIN. SHOE NOW CLICKS WHEN HE WALKS]
STEVE – But there’s a catch! Go to your corners, and you’ll find out!
[EVERYONE WANDERS OVER TO THEIR CORNERS. STEVE TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS. PEOPLE SHOUT:]
VOICES: OI OI!
VOICES: ANYBODY GOT ANY VERAS?
VOICES: GYPPO BUNDLE!
VOICES: RYAN YOU TWAT!
VOICES: WHO’S THIS THEN?
VOICES: WHERE’S THE BUSH?
BUSH: I’M HERE, LADS!
BUSH: WHAT YOU DOOOIN?
[LAUGHTER, CRASHING SOUNDS, CLATTER OF FEET ON BOARDS]
BUSH: OWWW – WHAT YOU DOOOOIN!? AWW, LADS!
[LIGHTS FLICKER BACK ON – EVERYONE IS HUDDLED IN THEIR CORNER, EXCEPT FOR THE BUSH, WHO IS ROLLING AROUND LIKE HE HAS BEEN FOULED IN FOOTBALL, HOLDING HIS SHIN AND SMACKING THE FLOOR WITH HIS PALM, NEAR DRAWING PINS AND GLASS. ALL THE ITEMS ARE STILL THERE.]
ROBERT [TO TOM]: Steve was right – that is a great game.
In the tiny kitchen, loading up stuff to put in the trailer for camp.
TOM: This one next
[POINTS TO LARGE PLASTIC CRATE WITH “EUROCRATE” WRITTEN ON IT]
CARL: OK, let’s…
[BOTH SHUFFLE INTO POSITION, EITHER SIDE OF CRATE, CROUCH DOWN WITH STRAIGHT BACKS, THEN TRY TO LIFT]
CARL: It weighs a ton! What’s in there?
TOM: [OPENING FLAP] About fifty greasy old frying pans!
CARL: For Steve’s Chewy Stew!
TOM: And a griddle for Edwin’s 3ft eggs.
CARL: Great. Any completely black billies in there?
TOM: [SPOKEN AT SAME TIME AS LINE BELOW] Can’t see them. Too black. No light can escape…
CARL: [SPOKEN AT SAME TIME AS LINE ABOVE] Can’t miss out on George’s Waterproof Cocoa…
RON BUSTLES INTO KITCHEN
RON: What’s going on here? You lightweights! Come on lads, put your backs into it!
[RON LEANS OVER CRATE WITH A BENT BACK AND JERKS UP IN ONE MOTION. CRATE LIFTS AN INCH BEFORE CRASHING DOWN. RON RUNS OUTSIDE AND ROB AND SIMON FOLLOW.]
[RON RUNS AROUND CARPARK HOLDING HIS RIGHT ARM, GRIMACING, SILENT, AND ALMOST FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. HE STOPS AND PEELS BACK SLEEVE IN FRONT OF TOM AND CARL – HIS ARM IS BLACK.]
[TOM AND CARL RUN OFF SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER. IN BACKGROUND, 4 OTHERS DRAG CRATE OUT THE DOOR.]
STEVE – As we are going on a bike ride at camp, Ben, Mark’s Dad, has come in to show us how to repair punctures, and I’m sure there’ll be plenty of those! [DINGS BIKE BELL]
BEN – Hello everyone. Cycling is a great sport, but it should be taken seriously. There are lots of things that can go wrong if you don’t do it right, and you could end up hurting yourself. I’ve done it for a long time, and I’ve got good equipment, so I’ve not had an accident for a while. Mark, you help me.
[MARK TAKES OUT BIKE PUMP, INNER TUBE, TYRE LEVERS ETC, PLACES THEM ON FLOOR. HE STANDS BACK BESIDE BEN]
BEN – To repair a flat tyre you first need to ease the tyre off the rim. To do this, slip your finger or a tyre lever under, being careful not to pinch the tube… like… so…
[AS BEN IS ENGROSSED IN THE PROCESS, HE STEPS BACK AND BENDS THE BIKE PUMP AT HIS FEET]
BEN – You can then slide the tube out. It is, of course, flat, as you have a puncture, but you can find where it is by inflating it, putting it under water and seeing where bubbles come out. Now –
[BEN REACHES FOR THE PUMP AND SEES IT IS BENT]
BEN – MARK! For God’s sake! That pump is worth eighty quid! You’ve completely ruined it! Its bloody useless!
[STEVE LEANS FORWARD AND SPEAKS QUIETLY TO BEN]
STEVE – Actually, Ben, I think you did it…
[BEN THROWS THE PUMP ACROSS THE HALL, IT CLATTERS IN THE CORNER]
BEN – Fuck’s sake!
[BEN STORMS OUT, SLAMS LARGE METAL DOOR WHICH BOUNCES AND THE HANDLE CATCHES HIS POCKET AND RIPS IT]
STEVE – So, the next thing we will learn is how to wire a plug, Andrew, if you could get me my tools…